Have you ever been in a situation where you would have liked help with a given task but never actually communicated your need for help? Then, when no one stepped up to offer assistance, you found yourself frustrated and upset.
Or maybe you’ve been on the other side of this scenario where someone expected you to know their need without ever communicating it. Then, when you didn’t step in, they were left frustrated and upset with you.
I, unfortunately, have been on both sides of this coin.
After being on the receiving end of someone’s negative emotions when I failed to meet their uncommunicated needs, it made me wonder if I was guilty of the same thing. After taking some time to reflect, I realized I was. I also realized that my lack of communication often led to negative feelings of frustration, bitterness, and resentment. Feelings I decided have no place in my life.
So I endeavored to change for the better.
How to Communicate Your Needs Effectively:
The first step to communicating your needs effectively is to take some time to reflect and truly identify what those needs are. Sometimes we fail to communicate our needs effectively because we don’t really know ourselves what our needs are. So grab a pencil and a journal, find a comfortable spot, and take a few moments to reflect on the following:
- What are my biggest pain points right now? What leaves me feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or like I will never get ahead?
- If someone helped me with ________________, it would be such a big help.
- What would I like to be doing but can’t because I don’t have the time? What is an area where someone can help to give me the time to do it?
Next, determine who is capable of providing help.
Some needs are very easy to meet. For example, I need you to take out the trash. Or, I need you to take M to practice. A lot of the administrative and daily task items of a household and family fall into this category.
But maybe some of your needs fall into emotional, relational, or spiritual needs where a lot of personal work needs to be done. I think it is still good to take time to reflect on what it is you need, but you then must determine if the people in your life have the ability to help. If not, it would be wise to seek outside help with someone fit to support your needs.
Communicating Your Needs
Once you’ve identified your needs, determined who is capable of helping with those needs, it’s time to communicate them. Let’s see this in action with a few scenarios.
Scenario 1
You’ve recently taken on a new responsibility and are having trouble keeping up with all the household chores. After taking time to reflect, you realize some of your older kids can help with some simple chores. You tell your spouse, “Since taking on this new responsibility, my time is so much more limited and I’m having difficulty keeping up with all the chores. I think the kids are old enough to start pitching in. I thought they could help with these items _________________. What do you think?” After discussing with your husband and getting on the same page, you end by asking, “I could really use your help in keeping the kids accountable each day. Can you help with that by _____________________?”
When communicating this new norm to your children, you may call them for a family meeting and communicate your needs like this…”Mommy can’t keep up with all the chores all by herself and needs your help. Each day I will have a small list of chores for you to do to help mommy.” From here, I would go on to communicate expectations for completion. Are they to be done first thing? Can they do them whenever they want but no screens or play until they are finished? Whatever you choose, just make your expectations clear so everyone is on the same page.
In this scenario, you’ve communicated where you are struggling, where you need help, and how you plan to gain that help. You’ve also made it crystal clear how you want your spouse and children to support you.
Scenario 2
You realize there has been a lot on your mind lately that you just need to get out. After reflecting, you’ve determined you don’t want advice, you just want someone to listen. Now, when entering the conversation with your husband, you may say, “I just need to talk about this and all I need you to do is listen.” Trust me, your husband will appreciate knowing upfront his role and how he can best support you.
Scenario 3
You’ve recently lost a loved one and realize the grief is too much and that you need to talk to someone. You realize you need more help than just a listening ear. In this case, you’ve determined talking to a professional would be best to help you move through the grief process. Your conversation with your spouse might sound something like this…”I’m having a really difficult time with losing _________________. It’s become more than I can handle on my own and I think talking to a professional would really help.”
A Final Note to Remember When Learning to Communicate Your Needs Effectively
It’s worth noting that the people in your life are likely not ignoring your needs on purpose. They love you and genuinely do not know. They don’t see, feel, or experience the world the same way you do. Therefore, when setting out to communicate your needs effectively, always enter into the conversation from a place of love and grace instead of bitterness, anger, or resentment. If you are bitter, angry, or resentful, it will come out in your tone and you may come across as attacking or nagging. Those are never received well. Humble yourself, speak in love, and watch others be more than willing to help you.
So to recap, remember these 3 steps to communicate your needs effectively.
- Take time to look inward and determine what your needs actually are.
- Determine who is actually capable of helping meet your needs.
- Communicate your needs with the appropriate people in a clear, loving and concise way.
I hope this has been helpful. For more personal growth teachings and resources, join our community!