I remember being a year or two into my stay-at-home motherhood journey. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I had a beautiful, healthy baby and another on the way, a great marriage, a cozy home in a peaceful neighborhood. We had everything we needed. I had seemingly everything I ever wanted, and yet, the deepest, empty hole within.
Not only was I struggling with my new role and identity as a stay-at-home mom, but I was also quietly struggling with deep-rooted fear. New motherhood had sent me into a very unhealthy health journey. In an effort to protect my child from danger, I set out to make healthier choices for our family. But as I began to research and learn about all the different things that negatively impacted our health, I grew anxious and fearful. All my decisions began to stem from a place of fear. I felt like the gatekeeper to my children’s health and well-being, and it was my responsibility to eliminate every potential toxin that lurked in our products, food, home, toys, clothing…the list went on. It was overwhelming, exhausting, and devoid of any and all peace.
At first, I thought my unhappiness was due to the demands of new motherhood, the inadequacy I felt being out of the workforce, and trying to be perfectly healthy. But as I look back on that time, I realize that the deep pit I found myself in had nothing to do with my child, toxins, or being out of the workforce, but everything to do with being separated from God.
He’s Always Been There
While I grew up in a home that believed in God and Jesus, there was much I missed in learning about them. In a nutshell, I knew there was a God, he had a son named Jesus, and if I wanted to get to heaven, I better make sure I follow the 10 commandments. We went to church on Sunday when we could, but I was lost most Sundays and spent the hour daydreaming about other things. So when God came knocking on my door in my thirties, it’s safe to say I was clueless.
Looking back, God was trying to draw near to me for many years before I finally decided to reciprocate. I never wanted to because I felt like God was always mad at me and judging all the ways I fell short. There was always a part of me that wanted to be on good terms with him, but it felt impossible. I figured, I can’t measure up, so why bother.
When he finally came knocking in my darkest hour, I agreed to open the door, but not without hesitation. I distinctly remember telling God, “Fine, I will listen to what you have to say, but I am not giving up all the things I love that you probably think are bad, and I am not promising anything.” A willingness to listen was apparently all he needed.
Faith Comes By Hearing
I was led to a podcast hosted by a Christian mom coach. I was hooked after the first episode. She taught the Gospel and the love of God and Jesus in a way I had never heard before. For the first time in my life, I heard that God loved me. That he forgave me for all the ways I fell short, and that he wanted a relationship with me.
I’m not sure I would have believed it if I wasn’t a parent myself at that point, but I knew from my own experience as a mother that there was nothing my son could ever do to make me stop loving him. That it didn’t matter how many times he messed up, I would always forgive him and love him. If I was able to do that with my own child, then it seemed plausible that God would do that with me.
I spent the next 6 months continuing to listen and learn from that podcast about God. I also started to believe it was all actually true. One night, while I scrubbed the dinner pans, the host invited listeners who were ready to give their hearts to Jesus to pray with her. Finally ready, a soapy pan in one hand and a Scrub Daddy in the other, I repeated her prayer. And you know what? Jesus met me there. That’s the beauty of Jesus. He meets us right where we are at.
Light Breaking Forth
My life has never been the same since that day. In the moment, I didn’t feel any different. But I went from wondering if I was cut out for motherhood to knowing it’s one of my very important callings. From believing that motherhood was unimportant work to believing it’s my greatest work. From feeling crushed from the fear of sickness and disease, to freedom and rest in the promises of God. From believing my greatest days were behind me and my dreams no more, to believing my greatest days are ahead of me and that, with God, all things are possible. I’m a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better person.
Yes, I still have challenges. Yes, fear still tries to whisper in my ear. But when I turn to the hope and faith I have in Jesus, they pale in comparison, and my peace and joy stand firm.
Jesus is real; no one can convince me otherwise. I know because I have experienced for myself his life-changing power. The changes in me could never be possible in my own strength. No amount of positive thinking, habit training, or will-power could change me the way I have been changed. It is only through the life-saving power of Christ Almighty and the Holy Spirit that such impossible transformation could take place, and he offers the same to you.
Will You Answer?
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me (Revelation 3:20). God is knocking on your door, too. He loves you and wants to help you. Will you open it?